Why Finding Love was never the Answer (We Create It)
By Dr Becky Spelman
often seen as something we acquire on a whim – that our romantic desires are
out there pre-made, just waiting for us to grab them off the metaphorical
shelf. It’s nice, if not a slightly idealised notion. True love isn’t that
simple. Of course, it can be spontaneous and fun. It certainly is in the
initial stages. But what about when the rose-tinted glasses have come off? How
do you react when the quirks you once found endearing become insufferable annoyances?
Love is a creative process; an act we should always be engaging in. It doesn’t just keep happening to us. To ‘find it,’ we have to be to be defining and redefining what it means within the context of our current relationship. Love is an objective feeling. But the way we express and communicate that emotion is entirely subjective and dependent on our partner’s needs. So comes a time in all relationships when we must ask, ‘is the way I’m relating relevant, anymore?’ Not to be overly clinical, but to inquire, ‘could I improve?’
parallel can be drawn between the development of a relationship and moving into a new home. In the beginning,
you settle in, and you’re taken with the novelty of the experience. Everything
is decorated just the way you like with all the mod cons and fittings. It’s
your ideal. However, over time, you start taking your new home for granted. You
neglect its upkeep. After a few years, the fittings become dirty, the furniture
looks outdated, and the appliances breakdown. The lack of care sees it fall
into disrepair and become not such a nice place to live.
follow this same logic. You can find the person who is a match, and it’s great
on the outset – otherwise why bother? But, the dynamic changes. Relationships
are very rarely static experiences. And if they are, that raises its own set of
questions about the potential for growth. It’s inevitable you’ll mature, and
what used to be important will fall by the wayside to be replaced by different
needs you and your partner must each support one another in pursuing.
where the real challenge of relationships lie – becoming aware. And it comes
from having the mindfulness to realise you haven’t necessarily outgrown your partner, but
you’re on a journey together, which will encompass many different chapters.
Each one you write and contribute to – together. This story you write requires
the same level of attention to detail as your house does to make it a pleasant
environment, discarding the old ways of communicating to replace them with
newer forms of expression that feel more in line with where you are in that
love can never be ‘found’ in the way you assume. It’s born of a mindset that
says, ‘I’m willing to work with you to create something more than we are now.’
It is an acceptance that neither you or your partner are perfect, but you see
enough value in each other’s companionship to share your journey with one
another. You do so through the creating and recreating of your love for one
another in ways that you never imagined previously. If you find love anywhere,
you find it within.
*** If you experiencing
relationship difficulties and feel as though you’ve hit a roadblock, one of
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Why Finding Love was never the Answer (We Create It) was last modified: May 9th, 2019 by Dr Becky Spelman
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