What is Limerence and Why Does It Feel So Similar to Love?
2nd November 2022Have you ever found yourself suddenly, almost inexplicably, head-over-heels for someone? One moment you are fine, and the next you cannot stop thinking about them. That intense, all-consuming feeling that will not let you focus on anything, or anyone, else. If so, it might just be limerence.
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation with another person, characterised by intrusive thoughts, fantasies and emotional dependence. It is often accompanied by anxiety, obsession and a longing for reciprocation that can be very distressing when it is not returned.
If you are experiencing limerence, it is important to know that you are not alone. It is more common than you might think, and there are many things you can do to overcome it. This article explains what limerence is, what causes it and how to move forward.
Why Am I Prone to Limerence?
Here are some of the key factors that can contribute to limerence.
Research into limerence is still developing, but a large 2026 study by Evans and colleagues found it is commonly associated with insecure attachment, obsessive thinking patterns and periods of low mood. That fits what we tend to see in clinic, where limerence rarely shows up in isolation.
Attachment Style
Limerence is often associated with an insecure attachment style, which can develop in childhood due to inconsistent or unresponsive parenting. People with insecure attachment styles tend to be more anxious and preoccupied with relationships, and they may have a stronger need for approval and validation.
Self-Esteem
Limerence can also be triggered by low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem may be more likely to idealise others and to believe that they are not worthy of love. This can make them more susceptible to limerence, as they may see the limerent object (LO) as a way to fill a void in their lives.
Vulnerability
Limerence can also be triggered by periods of vulnerability, such as stress, loneliness or emotional turmoil. During these times, people may be more likely to seek out external validation and to idealise others. This can make them more susceptible to limerence, as they may see the limerent object as a source of comfort and security.
Is There a Connection Between Limerence and ADHD or Autism?
There is currently no strong evidence that limerence is more common in people with ADHD or autism. The main studies on it have not measured these diagnoses directly, so any link stays a theory rather than a fact. The overlap is talked about a lot, and some of the reasons make sense: ADHD can make it hard to step away from something rewarding, and autism can bring real intensity to a focused interest, either of which might make a fixation on one person feel especially absorbing. But that describes how limerence can feel for a neurodivergent person, not proof that either condition causes it.
What I would say in clinic is this. If you recognise these patterns and have wondered whether ADHD or autism might be part of the picture, it is worth finding out properly rather than guessing. A formal ADHD assessment or autism assessment can help you understand what is actually driving the way you think and relate, which tends to make limerence easier to work with.
What Makes Limerence Worse?
Unrequited Feelings
When limerent feelings are not reciprocated, it can intensify the longing and fixation. This can be especially painful, as the limerent person may feel rejected and unloved.
Idealisation
Putting the limerent object on a pedestal and ignoring their imperfections can make limerence worse. This can create a fantasy world in which the limerent object is perfect, with the limerent person believing they are destined to be together.
Lack of Closure
Uncertainty about whether or not the limerent object feels the same way can keep the limerent person in a state of unfounded optimism. This can make it difficult to move on and to let go of the limerent object.
Frequent Interaction
Regular contact with the limerent object, whether face-to-face or online, can fuel the obsession and make it difficult to move on.
Social Media Monitoring
Constantly checking the social media profiles of the limerent object can often worsen the obsession.
Personal Insecurities
Low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness and emotional voids can deepen the fixation, as the individual sees the limerent object as a solution to all their issues.
Stress and Emotional Turmoil
Stressful life situations or emotional upheaval can increase the desire for escapism that limerence provides. Support for managing stress can help here.
Romanticising the Experience
Viewing limerence as a romantic experience rather than an unhealthy obsession can make it harder to overcome.
Limited Social Circle
Having a small social network and few outside interests can lead to over-focusing on the limerent object.
External Validation
Relying heavily on the limerent object to provide emotional validation can increase the sense of dependency.
Mental Health Issues
If you already struggle with difficulties such as depression or anxiety, limerence can become more intense and have a greater impact on your wellbeing.
How to Overcome Limerence and Get Your Life Back
Step 1: Recognise the Impact of Limerence
Start by recognising how limerence affects your emotions, thoughts and daily life. Accept that it is a condition, and let go of the idea of romanticism.
Step 2: Prioritise Your Well-being
Make a conscious choice to prioritise your wellbeing over the intense feelings of limerence. Reclaim the capacity for your own conscious choice.
Step 3: Divert Energy Towards Self-care
Instead of investing all your energy and time into limerence, divert it towards activities that promote self-care and personal fulfilment. Focus on your needs separate from your limerent object.
- Nurture and reconnect with loved ones: Surround yourself with people who truly appreciate you. Spend time with friends and family, and engage in activities that bring you joy and meaning.
- Explore new hobbies, interests or challenges: Find pastimes that spark your passion and provide a sense of accomplishment. This could involve taking up new classes, joining a club, or pursuing a personal project.
- Strive for independence: Build a fulfilling life that is not reliant on your fixation on a single person. Focus on cultivating your own happiness and self-worth through personal growth and meaningful connections.
Step 4: Address Underlying Issues
- Identify and challenge cognitive distortions: Recognise and address any negative or unrealistic thoughts you may be having about yourself or the limerent object. This could involve practising mindfulness or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
- Work on developing healthier attachment patterns: If you have an insecure attachment style, consider seeking professional help to develop healthier patterns of relating to others.
- Address personal insecurity and low self-esteem: Building self-esteem and confidence can help to reduce the intensity of limerence. Engage in activities that boost your self-worth, such as pursuing your passions and practising self-care.
Step 5: Seek External Support
- Talk to a therapist or counsellor: A therapist can provide guidance and support as you work through the challenges of overcoming limerence. They can help you develop coping mechanisms, identify underlying issues and create a personalised plan for recovery.
- Build a support network: Talk to trusted friends or family members about your struggles with limerence. Their understanding and encouragement can provide valuable support during your recovery.
Step 6: Manage Triggers
- Limit contact with the limerent object: If possible, minimise contact with the limerent object, as this can help to reduce the intensity of limerence. Avoid social media stalking, and try to limit opportunities for interaction.
- Challenge intrusive thoughts: When intrusive thoughts about the limerent object arise, acknowledge them without judgement and redirect your attention to more positive or productive thoughts.
- Practise mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques can help you focus on the present moment and reduce the influence of limerence-related thoughts and emotions.
Step 7: Embrace Self-love and Completeness
- Recognise your own worth: Recognise that you are a valuable and deserving individual, regardless of the limerent object’s feelings. Focus on building self-love and acceptance.
- Cultivate healthy relationships: Seek out fulfilling relationships with people who genuinely appreciate and respect you. These relationships can provide a sense of support and validation, reducing the need to rely on limerence for fulfilment.
- Focus on personal growth: Pursue self-improvement through activities that align with your values and interests. This can help you feel more fulfilled and secure in your own identity.
- Seek professional help when needed: If you are struggling to overcome limerence on your own, do not hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide personalised support and guidance.
The Journey of Overcoming Limerence
Everyone’s experience of limerence will be slightly different, which means the journey of overcoming it will also be unique. But like many mental health difficulties, limerence can be overcome with the right approach and support.
How Long Does Limerence Last?
The length of time that limerence lasts can vary quite greatly, usually ranging from a few months to several years. It depends on factors such as how emotionally resilient the individual is, the nature of their relationship with their limerent object, and other life circumstances.
One thing to bear in mind is that when limerence is not reciprocated, the feelings of obsessiveness and possessiveness can persist much longer due to a lack of closure. Sometimes, receiving a firm rejection can be the best medicine for those experiencing limerence, as it can jump-start the healing process.
In my clinical experience, there has never been a limerent client who did not get over it once they truly accepted it was not realistic. Limerence runs on hoping and wishing, and you cannot keep hoping once you know for certain there is no chance. When certainty arrives, limerence dies.
Dr Becky Spelman, Counselling Psychologist
Signs Limerence Is Ending: Indicators of Change
Realising that the intensity of limerence is fading can feel like an awakening. The constant anxiety surrounding your limerent object begins to subside.
Suddenly, you no longer feel like you are seizing up every time you are in their presence, and the overwhelming, heart-pounding sensation starts to soften. It is like emerging from a dense fog where everything in your world revolved around them and only them.
Now there is so much more space and capacity in your life to take on more than you have been able to in the recent past. There is a real sense of reclamation, and the compulsive desire to always be trying to impress and plan a fictitious future fades, replaced by a more realistic view of them as a person, rather than as a means of survival.
Perhaps most noticeably, your feelings towards them transition from deep neediness to something more neutral. If you have been living with limerence for a long time, this transition can feel a bit strange as you adjust to a new way of being. It is simply a shedding of your old skin and the embracing of a new, more empowered version of yourself.
Limerence Relapse Prevention
While overcoming limerence is a gradual process, it is possible to prevent relapse. Here are some strategies to stop you falling back into old limerent patterns:
- Identify early warning signs: Learn to recognise the early signs of limerence, such as an increased interest in the limerent object and a feeling of longing.
- Develop coping mechanisms: Have a plan in place to deal with these early warning signs, such as engaging in relaxation techniques or reaching out to a support system.
- Maintain a strong support system: Keep in touch with your support network and let them know if you are feeling tempted to relapse.
Overcoming Limerence Treatment: Therapeutic Approaches
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for limerence aims to identify and challenge the underlying cognitive distortions that contribute to it, such as idealisation of the limerent object and the belief that reciprocation is inevitable. Through cognitive restructuring, people learn to develop more realistic and balanced thoughts, reducing the intensity of limerent emotions and behaviours.
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) involves exposing people to thoughts, images or situations related to the limerent object without avoiding them or compensating for them. By confronting these triggers, people learn to become accustomed to their anxiety and to diminish the influence of intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviours.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on relating to thoughts and emotions with a non-judgemental approach, fostering adaptability and emotional resilience. People are encouraged to prioritise living a life aligned with their values, taking part in fulfilling activities and connections beyond the influence of limerence, thereby loosening its control.
Schema therapy explores the underlying core beliefs and early-life experiences that might play a role in limerence. By recognising and working with these patterns, people can build healthier relationship dynamics and reduce the chances of slipping back into limerent relationships in the future.
How The Private Therapy Clinic Can Help
If limerence is taking up more of your life than you would like, you do not have to work through it alone. At the Private Therapy Clinic we help people untangle the intrusive thoughts, the longing and the anxiety that keep limerence going, usually through talking therapies that address the patterns underneath it rather than just the surface feelings. Because limerence often overlaps with obsessive thinking, low mood or relationship OCD, some people also find it helpful to see one of our psychiatrists for an assessment, particularly where the preoccupation feels relentless or is affecting sleep, work and wellbeing.
If you are not sure where to start, you can book a free 15-minute consultation and we will help you explore your options and find the right path forward.
