Relationship dynamics where one partner has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be extremely challenging for both individuals involved. But it can be made a lot easier by becoming aware of the stages of a BPD relationship. Knowledge is always your greatest asset when managing any kind of mental health issue. The more you know, the more empowered you become to make informed and constructive decisions both for yourself and the individual suffering from the disorder. This, in turn lessens the likelihood of you experiencing a chaotic relationship.
The Challenges of the BPD Relationship Cycle
One of the biggest issues couples face in a BPD relationship is the ongoing turbulence arising from the frequency and intensity of the emotional needs of the borderline. This can be made all the more difficult if one of the partners involved isn’t aware of the condition. Or, even worse if both individuals aren’t aware, as there hasn’t been a proper diagnosis, yet. This is one reason why BPD relationships are so complicated. It’s the lack of knowledge, disclosure, and transparency. But even then, it can be difficult navigating the ups and downs of the ongoing borderline relationship cycle. One which can send both halves of the couple round in circles, repeating the same dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, all while thinking, ‘love shouldn’t be this exhausting.’
The 7 Stages of the BPD Relationship Cycle
The main theme of the BPD relationship cycle is the classic push and pull. It’s this pattern that tends to play out in most occurrences of the condition, although you should be aware there are 4 types of BPD each with their own unique traits. Most individuals with BPD will find themselves oscillating between being open, loving, kind and generous to then rejecting their partner with malicious and spiteful behaviour in an attempt to have them meet their emotional needs.
First Stage of a BPD Relationship: Attraction
This is undoubtedly the most pleasant stage of the relationship. You could even call it the honeymoon phase. It’ll appear like there are a lot of interests, and the BPD partner may even display similar mannerisms to their lover – mirroring them. They’ll be a strong attraction, but the qualities the partner is often attracted to are those being mirrored back at them. It may feel like a true soul mate connection for a while. This phase may last from several weeks up to 6 months.
Second Stage of a BPD Relationship: Obsessive Neediness
This stage is where the tone of the relationship begins to shift to more dysfunctional tendencies. The BPD sufferer may start to become irritable and nit-pick over anything they perceive as negative behaviour aimed at them. This also marks the beginning of the neediness phase and fear of abandonment. If their partner doesn’t immediately respond to calls and texts, the low self-esteem of the borderline may convince them they aren’t loved.
Third Stage of a BPD Relationship: Withdrawing and Withholding
From this stage in the relationship, the borderline might start the process of withdrawing and withholding. This is a strategy intended to get their partner to invest more heavily in their emotional needs if they aren’t being met to the standards they expect. They can instigate ‘arguments’ to get their partner to fight for the relationship and in effect fight for them. This is all in an effort to help the borderline to feel more regulated and secure in themselves.
Fourth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Escalating Devaluation
This stage can see things worsen if the borderline doesn’t receive the desired attention. And here, it can see them truly begin to enter into panic mode, as the lack of validation heavily triggers their abandonment wounding. The fights and devaluation can increase quite dramatically in frequency and intensity. This can then lead to the BPD sufferer completely devaluing their partner, gaslighting and falling into a victimised ego. These instances can often come out of nowhere and is a big reason why a lot of BPD relationships fail.
Fifth Stage of a BPD Relationship: “The Break Up”
After things have escalated to the point that there’s nowhere else for the borderline to go, they’ll either announce that they’re breaking up with their partner or else simply leave unannounced. Again, this can appear to happen seemingly out of nowhere. And this may be due to their emotional needs being met elsewhere – perhaps with a favourite person. This stage of the relationship is when they’ll start to accuse their partner of being the one who has a disorder and/or dysfunctional behaviour.
Sixth Stage of a BPD Relationship: Return and “Repair”
From here, it’s entirely possible if it’s a new relationship that they’ll be some kind of reconciliation. The borderline might return, and the partner – wanting their lover back – will look at themselves, take on the blame and promise to meet their emotional needs that they weren’t doing before. Behaviours and triggering may regulate within the dynamic for a while. There might be another honeymoon period. Although it’ll be much shorter than during the initial attraction phase.
Seventh Stage of a BPD Relationship: The Cycle Repeats
The final stage is the beginning of a new cycle. And it’s important to note, that each case of BPD is unique. There’s no absolute for how each one plays out. The same is true of cycles within a BPD relationship. Once the initial breakup has happened, it’s not uncommon for the situation to become much more volatile in some cases. There can be more consistent triggers, gaslighting attempts, manipulation and emotional outbursts. BPD relationships will always work in some form of cycle. But in successful BPD relationships, both partners learn how to manage them.
The 7 Stages of Healing During Recovery from BPD
Living with a diagnosis of BPD might appear to be overwhelming. But there is a great deal of therapeutic support available through modalities such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) and Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP). BPD as a condition has also gained significant attention online with a lot of personal stories of recovery shared on blogs that can help you understand the condition better.
Also, because of the highly empathic nature and emotional transparency of many individuals who suffer from BPD, it makes recovery much ‘easier’ than with other personality disorders – because of the capacity for emotional discernment. Although the stages of healing BPD might not be apparent at first, with time spent in reflection, they do become clearer. Here’s an outline of some of the main stages of healing during BPD recovery, although they can differ from person to person.
BPD Recovery Stage 1: Denial
Most healing journeys begin with the inevitable denial that there isn’t anything wrong. This is a natural defence mechanism for many people as no one really wants to believe they’re damaged in any way. This might involve trying to justify many of the toxic relationships of their past and other life choices. It can be very uncomfortable being presented with the fact that your past behaviour has actually been quite harmful to those around you.
BPD Recovery Stage 2: Confusion
After spending so long living with the dysfunctional behaviour and seeing themselves re-experiencing the same patterns, it can create a narrative about why other people don’t seem as conflicted as they are, and that maybe there might be something wrong with them. This phase could be where they’re introduced to the idea of BPD, but because of the memory gaps caused by dissociation, it can still be hard to get a full grasp on their situation, resulting in confusion.
BPD Recovery Stage 3: Resistance
As the BPD individual learns more about their condition and the nature of gaps in their memory caused by dissociation, they go through the phase of resistance. They’re being asked to accept responsibility for a condition, which is rooted in high-risk behaviour and other uncomfortable patterns. For the person with BPD, this can be extremely triggering and cause them to enter into a state of trauma and possibly leading to dissociation as a way of coping, given it’s what they know best.
BPD Recovery Stage 4: Anger
Once it reaches the point where the diagnosis can no longer be resisted, this can lead to emotional outbursts. During this phase, episodes of anger are common within the borderline. And as with dissociation, it can become a coping mechanism because it’s a safe and known behaviour. Even though it’s dysfunctional, it’s familiar and therefore represents safety to them. However, these outbursts can lead to increased isolation from their support network, which can also activate their abandonment wounding.
BPD Recovery Stage 5: Depression
This can then lead to the stage of ‘soul searching,’ and deep introspection. As the emotional outbursts of anger have potentially led to further isolation, this can result in a profound sense of sadness over the difficulty maintaining their relationships and missed opportunities in their life. It can also lead to suicide ideation. How long this period lasts will depend on the intensity of the condition and the individual’s capacity to move through enough of the self-forgiveness process to get to a place of acceptance.
BPD Recovery Stage 6: Acceptance
By this point, the person with BPD is now becoming more aware of the overall picture of their condition and can hold what it means for them in their mind without experiencing as much dissociation or anger. The diagnosis of the condition no longer feels like a burden, affliction or an attack on their character, but instead comes as a relief. It now appears as the answer to their problems and represents a way for them to go through their healing process and become a whole new better version of themselves.
BPD Recovery Stage 7: Therapy
In some ways, everything up to this point has been part of the preliminary stage of healing. Once the BPD individual enters into a therapeutic setting, they can now begin the process of learning effective coping strategies to help reduce the frequency and intensity with which they feel stress in their lives. They can also learn of the impact their condition has had on the lives of those around them, so can make better life choices in the future. The hope is that from here they can make a full recovery, or at the least become someone with high functioning BPD in the short term while they take that journey towards making a full recovery.
Supporting a Partner with BPD During the Relationship Cycle
The inability to maintain relationships for the borderline is one of the fundamental reasons why their life can be so challenging. But that doesn’t mean a relationship with someone who has BPD is a bad thing. And with the right awareness, it is possible to provide effective emotional support that doesn’t enable their behaviours. The best way you can support both your partner and yourself within a BPD dynamic is by opening a clear line of communication. If you can have honest and open conversations about their patterns and know what stages of their cycle look like, that awareness will make things easier. Being able to recognise when your borderline partner is projecting their insecurities will make it easier on your nervous system and prevent you from also getting triggered. This then, enables you to have the presence of mind to reflect back at them what they’re going through. For example, if it’s their abandonment wounding, you could create constructive phrases that support them in their trauma rather than enabling the behaviour by fulfilling the role they expect of you. The hope is that you can create high functioning BPD relationship that’s supportive of your partner while they go through their healing process.
Frequently Asked Questions About Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline personality disorder is an often misunderstood mental health condition with it having similarities to other disorders such as disorganised attachment and narcissism. Here are some of the most commonly asked questions.
How Do Borderlines Handle Relationships?
Typically, within a relationship dynamic where BPD is present, there’ll be an almost overwhelming emphasis on the needs of the person with borderline being met. When this doesn’t happen, it can often lead to mood swings, angry outbursts, devaluation of their partner, feelings of chronic abandonment and impulsive/irrational behaviours.
Do Those Suffering from BPD’s Regret Breaking Up?
Although BPD personalities initiate a break-up as a way of seeking validation, because of the intense anxiety at play, they’ll often express intense regret because of their abandonment wounding, especially if they’re not met with the response they desire. This will cause them to try and repair things to help alleviate their anxiety.
Why Do Those With BPD End Relationships?
Borderlines will usually end relationships as a form of seeking validation from their partner. The general pattern of BPD behaviour after a break-up sees them waiting for their partner to reach out to them to have their emotional needs met. When this happens, it puts the borderline in control of the relational dynamic and able to set the terms of the reconnection.
Why Do BPD Relationships Not Work?
Relationships with people who have BPD often don’t work – especially when they’re undiagnosed – because the supporting partner simply has no reference point for the dysfunctional behaviours at play and where there’s no awareness, there can’t be any compassion. And so, over time, they end up getting worn down, exhausted and having to leave.
What’s the Average Length of BPD Relationship?
Results found in a 2014 study found the average length of a BPD relationship between those who either married or living together as partners was 7.3 years. However, there are cases where couples can stay together for 20+ years. There’s also a lot of anecdotal evidence from other people’s experiences that suggest 2-4 years is more common. So, if you want to know how long your relationships might last if you have BPD, it really does depend on the intensity of your condition.
