The term “Favourite Person” (FP) is often used in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to refer to someone that serves as primary support and anchor to the individual with BPD.

The development of this relationship can also be viewed through our understanding of attachment styles, and the push and pull dynamic that characterises the condition.

Individuals with BPD can exhibit quite severe insecure attachment styles usually falling in the anxious-preoccupied or fearful-avoidant part of the spectrum The fearful avoidant, in particular, style can form a large part of the ideation and devaluation patterns.

Over time, the quality of attachment can contribute significantly to both the intensity and the instability of an FP bond.

The formation of these ways of relating can be traced back to the early childhood experiences with primary caregivers.

They’re often rooted in unmet emotional needs which the person with borderline attempts to fulfil through their favourite person.

Beyond Romantic Relationships

When people hear the term “Favourite Person,” they tend to think of it as a romantic relationship, but the concept can apply to all kinds of relationships.

FPs are often used as coping mechanisms; they’re placed in surrogate caregiver roles to make up for the neglect that may have been experienced earlier in life, due to a lack of positive role modelling.

In healthy dynamics, FPs may actually be supportive companions, providing much-needed validation, security, and a sense of identity.

They can be someone to rely on when things are tough, which, let’s face it, we all need someone we can turn to at certain points in our life. That’s part of being human.

However, FP relationships can be especially complex in romantic contexts.

They can also put a huge amount of pressure on romantic relationships—especially if one of the people in them has BPD and has a very unstable sense of identity.

An FP connection can develop in relationships, like friendships, family ties, therapy bonds, teacher-student dynamics, or even parasocial relationships with celebrities in a more parasocial dynamic.

5 Misconceptions about FPs in BPD

There are several misconceptions surrounding the concept of FPs in BPD. These misunderstandings can lead to stigma and hinder the development of healthy, supportive relationships.

Here are five common misconceptions about FPs:

1. Manipulation: Some believe that individuals with BPD intentionally manipulate or exploit their FPs on purpose. However, their behaviours stem from their intense fear of abandonment, relating to their core needs, as opposed to a need to control others.
2. Toxicity: It’s commonly believed that FP relationships in BPD are always toxic or unhealthy. While the intensity of these bonds can pose challenges, with both support and treatment individuals with BPD can learn to be in these relationships in a positive way.
3. Dependency: There’s a misconception that FP connections are purely based on dependency, suggesting that those with BPD cannot function without their FP. In reality, through coping mechanisms and support individuals with BPD can cultivate independence and resilience to have strong relationships not based on dependency.
4. Attention seeking: Some believe that the intense emotions displayed in FP relationships are simply cries for attention. However, these emotional responses often reflect distress and fears of abandonment within the individual.
5. Unchangeable: It’s wrongly assumed that the dynamics of FP relationships are fixed and cannot be changed over time. Everyone has the capacity for change. But it first requires awareness of the issue and the willingness to grow out of old patterns.

The Rollercoaster: Idealisation and Devaluation in FP Relationships

One of the defining characteristics of the FP relationship, as with many in a borderline dynamic, is the ongoing cycle of ideation and devaluation.

During the honeymoon phase(s), the FP may be worshipped. This intense admiration and infatuation can be intoxicating for the FP, who may feel valued and needed in a way they have never experienced before.

However on the opposite side of the spectrum, there can be a rapid shift to the opposite extreme…

During the devaluation phase, the BPD may transition to seeing their FP as cruel, distant, or as someone who no longer cares for them—this catastrophising of the relationship status is a core theme of the ideation-devaluation cycle.

The Idealisation Phase (Intense Positivity, Seeing the FP as All-Good)

During the idealisation phase, a person with BPD may exhibit intense attachment and admiration towards their favourite person (FP).

Here are five common idealisation behaviours that a person with BPD might display towards their FP:

• Excessive praise and affection: The individual with (BPD) might regularly shower their FP with praise showing their gratitude and affection. They often communicate to their FP the significance they hold in their life and express that they cannot imagine life without them.
• Constant communication: The person with BPD may feel a strong desire to maintain constant contact with their FP, whether through text messages, phone calls, or in-person interactions. They may become anxious or distressed when they don’t receive quick responses or attention from their FP.
• Prioritising the FP’s needs: The individual, with BPD might go to extreme lengths to make their favourite person FP happy, frequently prioritising the FPs needs and wishes over their own. They could resort to making sacrifices or adjustments in their life to cater to their FP.
• Seeking validation and acceptance: The individual with BPD might lean heavily on their FP to feel validated and accepted. They could often seek reassurance regarding their FPs emotions towards them and their position in the FPs life.
• Idealising the relationship: The individual experiencing BPD might see their connection with their FP as flawless and all encompassing. They could think that their FP is the only source of happiness for them and struggle to see who else could meet their emotions needs.

The Devaluation Phase (Shift to Negativity, Fears of Abandonment)

The devaluation phase in BPD relationships can be a sudden and drastic shift from the previous idealisation phase. This change can be triggered by a perceived slight, a minor disagreement, or even a change in the favourite person’s (FP) availability.

Here are five common devaluation behaviours that a person with BPD might exhibit towards their FP:

• Anger and criticism: The individual with BPD might unexpectedly express anger or severe criticism towards their FP. They could perceive issues as betrayals and might resort to harsh words or insults to convey their dissatisfaction.
• Emotional withdrawal: The individual with BPD might suddenly withdraw emotionally from their FP, acting distant, aloof or uncommunicative. They may give their FP the “silent treatment” or refuse to engage in communication.
• Accusations of abandonment: The person with BPD might perceive any indication of their FP creating space or seeking independence as a sign of abandonment. They could express misgivings about their FP not showing concern for them or having intentions to end the relationship in the absence of proof to validate their thinking.
• Splitting: The individual with BPD might experience “splitting,” where they view their person as either all good or entirely bad with no middle ground. In the devaluation stage, they could concentrate on the negative traits or behaviours of their favourite person while ignoring any positive elements of the relationship.
• Impulsive or self-destructive behaviour: During the devaluation phase, individuals with BPD might resort to self destructive actions to manage their emotions. This could involve behaviours like substance abuse, self-harm or reckless decisions that endanger themselves or those around them.

The Impact on Both Parties (The FP’s Confusion and Emotional Burden)

The cycle of idealisation and devaluation can create massive trauma for both people involved. The FP may feel extremely confused and emotionally disoriented walking on eggshells, and unsure of how to respond to the rapid changes in the connection.

More often than not, it’s the “favourite person” who may feel the harsher end of the exchange, as they’re the ones being dismissed and abandoned.

They may feel a sense of responsibility for the person with BPD’s happiness and may struggle with guilt or self-doubt when the devaluation phase occurs. It can be a crashing low and feel like a huge betrayal that’s come out of nowhere.

Part of the cognitive cycle of BPD is rooted in the thought that if they abandon their favourite person before they could have the same done to them, they can avoid the pain of abandonment.

Connecting FPs to Core BPD Symptoms

The intense attachments to the favourite person in BPD can often be understood as a manifestation of insecure attachment. But what do these pieces actually look like on a deeper psychological level? And how did they play a role in the FP relationship?

The Chronic Fear of Abandonment

The fear of being abandoned is one of the core themes within the typical experience of someone who lives with BPD.

Past experiences of being abandoned or inconsistently cared for can play a role in shaping this fear especially when coupled with heightened sensitivity to rejection and challenges in handling emotions.

Individuals with BPD may hold on tightly to their FP, seeing them as the one who truly comprehends and embraces them.

Yet, the FP relationship can also result in anxiety and hypervigilance, as even minor changes in the FP’s behaviour can trigger fears of abandonment.

This underlying fear might lead to angry outbursts and hostility toward the FP followed by deep periods of sadness when they feel disconnected.

Unresolved attachment wounding stem from early abandonment experiences can also be projected onto the FP. This can lead to the classic push pull cycle of BPD where there is an oscillation between seeking closeness and pushing away to manage the inner tension.

The Unstable Sense of Self

Another core symptom of BPD is an unstable sense of self – identity.

Individuals with BPD may find it challenging to hold the idea of who they are and what their value system is, which can lead to them seeking this from other people.

Within the context of a FP relationship, the BPD may often look to their FP not just as someone they relate to but someone they truly need in order to understand what their social cues and responses should be in given situations.

It’s not uncommon for them to adopt the same hobbies, viewpoints, mannerisms and even dress sense in an effort to feel more bonded and secure within the relationship.

Yet, this dependency on their FP for self identity could result in a loss of independence and struggles in maintaining a sense of self beyond the relationship.

The tendency to see people or things as either all good or entirely bad known as ‘splitting’ can also fuel the cycle of idealisation and devaluation, and in this case the unstable sense of self.

However, BPD can present in various ways with there generally considered to be four 4 types. Some individuals may exhibit more outwardly visible symptoms, while in the case of quiet BPD, these symptoms may be more internalised.

This means that the dynamic favourite person relationship will be reflective of the temperament of that particular style of BPD that’s present.

Emotional Dysregulation (Intense reactions, especially tied to the FP)

Emotional dysregulation is another one of the key challenge areas within BPD, which can greatly affect all relationships, especially one with an FP.

Due to the ongoing insecurity relating to how they attach, individuals with BPD can often experience rapidly shifting emotions which is one of the underlying factors that causes the behavioural cycle of ideation and devaluation.

Within FP relationships, emotional dysregulation may occur as a reaction to being slighted or being perceived to be wronged in some way or even as a form of punishment for something which is not their fault.

The heightened sense of emotional reactivity that’s felt by the person with BPD can hugely amplify the impact of these perceived slights or changes within the relationship dynamic.

For example, if there is a shift in the agreement of emotional availability from the FP, this could lead to a potential blowout or meltdown by the individual with BPD.

It’s these types of seemingly minor interactions that can lead to a spiral of negative emotions which can lead to despair, self-harm and sometimes even suicide ideation.

Coping Strategies

For People with BPD

Due to the constant push and pull dynamics that are playing most relationships, BPD can be extremely difficult to navigate. But it’s not impossible. Change is possible. There are effective coping strategies that can absolutely help.

One of the most well-known and evidence-based treatments for BPD is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT teaches a range of skills that can be particularly helpful in managing FP relationships:

1. Mindfulness: Practising mindfulness involves being fully present, in the moment and observing thoughts and feelings without passing judgement. This can assist in recognising the patterns of idealisation-devaluation, and responding to emotional triggers in a more balanced manner.
2. Distress Tolerance: When it comes to distress tolerance these skills help individuals deal with emotions and impulses without exacerbating the situation. They are especially useful for handling the fear of abandonment and intense emotional reactions that can occur in FP relationships.
3. Emotion Regulation: Emotion regulation skills focus on helping individuals understand and manage their emotions efficiently. This includes being able to recognise and name emotions, understanding their purposes and developing strategies to avoid being overwhelmed when they occur.

In addition to DBT skills, honest communication with the FP is foundational to maintaining a positive long-term relationship. This might include:

• Assertive Communication: This includes communicating needs and limits being receptive to feedback and discussions. It also entails taking responsibility for one’s emotions and behaviours rather than blaming the FP for every emotional upheaval.
• Establishing Healthy Boundaries: This can include learning to accept and appreciate each other’s individuality and freedom while also understanding the importance of giving space and independence to the FP. This could mean establishing boundaries on how much time and effort is invested in the relationship, discovering ways to fulfil needs beyond the FP dynamic.

For The BPD ‘Favourite Persons’

For the Favourite Person (FP) of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), cultivating peace within the relationship involves embracing a set of empowering strategies and perspectives.

• Understanding BPD and the FP Role: To understand BPD, it’s important to be educated on the core symptoms, the cycle of idealisation and devaluation and how the disorder can affect relationships. This means being able to hold that the behaviours of someone with BPD are a result of their condition, not a judgement, on the worth or lovability of the FP.
• Mastering Validation: It’s important to let the person with BPD know that their feelings are genuine, reasonable and legitimate even if their actions may pose challenges. Validation doesn’t imply endorsing or accepting behaviours; instead it involves recognising the emotions, at the core and demonstrating empathy and compassion.
• Compassionate Boundary Setting: Learning to refuse when needed and establishing boundaries for unacceptable behaviour are essential. It also involves attending to one’s needs and feelings without feeling accountable for the happiness or welfare of someone, with BPD.
• Prioritising Self-Care and Support Networks: One option could be to consider therapy or counselling to work through the effects of the relationship and learn ways to handle stress and emotional exhaustion. It might also mean building connections, outside the FP dynamic and taking part in things that nurture your physical, emotional and spiritual health.