Quiet BPD is one of those grey areas in psychology.
Although it isn’t recognised officially by the DSM-5 as a diagnosable condition, there is enough client-based evidence that suggests it probably should be.
Individuals with ‘Quiet BPD’ present quite differently to those with classic BPD.
In this form of the disorder, symptoms are internalised instead of externalised.
Instead of displaying outbursts like those with classic BPD, individuals with Quiet BPD suppress their emotions.
Rather than expressing aggression, they may engage in self criticism during conflict-based situations and resort to self harm as a way to release internalised anger.
It frequently overlaps with ‘high functioning BPD’ where individuals dissociate – ‘split’ a part of themselves in order to maintain an image of competence and independence.
What Is Quiet BPD?
Quiet BPD, also referred to as the “discouraged subtype” of BPD is a term coined by psychologist Theodore Millon.
Research by Dr Thomas Lynch explored this area further offering the concept under controlled and over controlled individuals within the spectrum of personality disorders – of which BPD is categorised.
Most individuals with classic BPD are typically undercontrolled meaning they can present being overly needy and clingy in relationships.
Overcontrolled individuals, however, have much a higher distress tolerance and as such are able to internalise their feelings.
It lies on the spectrum of overcontrolled, meaning these individuals find it very hard to be fully accepting of their emotional needs.
This can often mean that their subtle cues are missed and they suffer in silence.
It makes living with quiet BPD an incredibly lonely struggle that can often be much harder to overcome due the lack of well meaning intervention from loved ones.
How Rare Is Quiet BPD?
Determining the prevalence of Quiet BPD presents a challenge since it is not officially recognised as a diagnosis, within the broader category of BPD.
According to current research, BPD affects 1.6% of the population, but quantifying the prevalence of quiet BPD proves more difficult.
If we take that figure as a baseline assumption, and divide it by the four BPD types which are most commonly observed, we could estimate that roughly 0.4% of the population may be affected by quiet BPD.
However, it’s important to note that these are extremely rough estimates, as it assumes that there is an equal number of cases of all four BPD types, which is almost certainly not the case.
What we can take away from this data is that quiet BPD likely affects a very small – yet still not insignificant – percentage of the population even if the figures aren’t entirely clear at this time.
Recognising Quiet BPD Symptoms
The challenges of recognising the symptoms of Quiet BPD is that given the defining symptom is one of internalising, it means that even if there is genuine invitation to open up, it may not be accepted.
What Are Symptoms of Quiet BPD?
Here is a round up of the symptoms of the quiet BPD type:
- Inwardly Directed Symptoms: Quiet BPD symptoms are primarily internal and often not visible to others.
- Intense Mood Swings: Individuals experience severe mood fluctuations but typically hide them from people around them.
- Suppression of Anger: A notable characteristic is either suppressing feelings of anger or denying being angry.
- Withdrawal in Conflict: When upset, there’s a tendency to withdraw and avoid confrontation, often cutting off communication.
- Prevalence of Self-Blame: Individuals with Quiet BPD often blame themselves during conflicts, leading to a deep sense of guilt and taking on too much responsibility.
- Overlooked Symptoms: Due to their internalised nature, these symptoms can be easily missed or misunderstood.
- Need for Awareness and Support: Understanding these unique symptoms is vital for providing appropriate support and assistance to those with Quiet BPD.
Understanding Quiet BPD in Relationships
Being a personality disorder, Quiet BPD has a profound effect on almost all relationships. And it’s here that much of the hardship of the condition is most commonly felt.
Quiet BPD Meltdown and Quiet BPD Splitting
Living with Quiet BPD presents a unique set of challenges especially during times of meltdown or episodes commonly referred to as ‘splitting’ common to all types of BPD.
In cases of Quiet BPD, as meltdowns are often triggered by avoiding emotions, it can lead implosions and a complete collapsing in on oneself.
During these episodes, individuals may exhibit behaviours rooted by low self-esteem, and a tendency to overly blame themselves.
Splitting, on the other hand, is characterised by perceiving relationships in black and white terms, and also forms part of the mechanic of remaining high-functioning in distressing situations and dynamics.
In relationships, this often means fluctuating between idealising and devaluing others, oscillating between two extremes of perception.
The internal struggle and emotional processing that occurs during these episodes can lead to an exacerbation in symptoms such as self-image and the fear of rejection.
However, if these patterns can be recognised and held in a supportive manner as they occur, their emotional impact can be lessened greatly improving the quality of life for those with quiet BPD.
Quiet BPD Relationship Cycle
In the past, our understanding of Quiet BPD in relationships has been limited because it often gets overshadowed by more overt forms of BPD such as the petulant and impulsive types.
These relationships are characterised by poor boundaries, which are rooted in more outward grasping, people-pleasing behaviours intended to avoid rejection or abandonment.
As individuals with Quiet BPD tend to underfunction and are more likely to suppress their emotions, they may still people-please, but it will be in a much more high-functioning expression.
It may appear more genuine, but those behaviours will still be rooted in insecurity.
So for example, if the Quiet BPD is in a relationship with a narcissistic personality type, they may struggle to voice their opinions and assert their worth, leaving them open to emotional abuse.
However, this can also be a problem in an otherwise healthy dynamic with a partner that has no underlying mental health issues.
The most crucial pattern to break out of in a Quiet BPD relationship cycle is overcoming the fear of speaking out; both accepting and understanding that it is ok to have a voice and that no one is going to leave you for expressing your needs.
Quiet BPD And Romantic Relationships
In a relationship where one person has quiet BPD and the other does not, there is still the same dynamic of push and pull at play as with other types of BPD.
As the individual with quiet BPD may experience intense emotions they’re unable to give voice to fully, they may withdraw and retreat into themselves for long periods.
They might appear calm on the outside – high-functioning – while internally, they’re dealing with overwhelming feelings of insecurity, fear of abandonment and self doubt.
This withdrawal can often manifest as avoidant tendencies, giving their partner the ‘silent treatment’ as a way to create an emotional buffer and as a way of not having to to express themselves.
The partner without BPD might feel confused and hurt by this withdrawal mistaking it for disinterest or coldness.
This lack of communication can create a cycle where the person with Quiet BPD is pulling away, due to their difficulty in engaging in emotional intimacy, while the non-BPD partner seeks that sense of closeness, which adds to the tension.
This cycle can be emotionally draining for both partners, as there is rarely a coming together and a mutual expressing of each other’s feelings from a true place of true security.
Over time, this leads to misunderstandings and a mounting up of unfulfilled emotional needs, which may result in the breaking up and coming back together that characterises so many BPD relationships,
In order to navigate this kind of dynamic successfully, it’s important for there to be a commitment from both sides to prioritise honest emotional communication and active listening.
Quiet BPD Favourite Person
Contrary to common belief, someone who has Quiet BPD can just as likely to have favourite person relationships.
The favourite person of someone with any form of BPD can potentially be a supportive figure if the right boundaries are in place. However, if there is an over reliance on this person, it can very quickly turn into a toxic dynamic
This can lead to behaviours such as lying to maintain the connection – in a subtle way – projecting parental expectations and obligations onto the FP and creating conflict through tension when these aren’t met.
While the heavy leaning into these types of relationships can often appear to be genuine on the surface level, they’re most often intended to be a source of emotional regulation for the individual with Quiet BPD.
In this context, the idealisation of the favourite person becomes exploitative, given the underlying agenda at play.
Overtime, the FP dynamic can become just as emotionally draining as romantic connections, albeit for different reasons.
Challenges and Complexities of Quiet BPD
The core challenge of Quiet BPD is rooted in self acceptance.
They must be an acknowledgement of one’s needs and that is ok to reach out and to receive support.
Why Is Quiet BPD So Painful?
The pain of Quiet BPD is felt most keenly in the isolation the individual feels and all of the pent up emotion that’s experienced as a result of the internalising.
This willingness to hold everything in no matter what the cost, to hide those feelings, fuelled by unworthiness can exacerbate the sense of suicide ideation that’s commonly associated within BPD.
Because everything is so internalised, those with this personality disorder can often appear to be the calmest person in the room, while on the inside they’re holding a torrent of emotions.
There is a feeling of needing to show up as being ‘normal,’ while experiencing a deep sense of lack of the inside and feeling too scared to reach out.
Dealing with Quiet BPD
Dealing with this type of BPD involves developing a system of strategies that work best for your core needs. Not everything that is suggested may work for you.
Some of the core strategies that relate to the sense of unworthiness, might involve engaging in a practice of compassion and self-forgiveness for pieces you may be holding that aren’t your own.
This self forgiveness may allow someone with Quiet BPD to make peace with the fact that they do have emotional needs, allowing them to let go of the shame, blame and guilt, which, in turn will allow them to open up and receive the support they need.
Finding an outlet in which those needs can be validated is the first port of call. Any form of constructive externalising exercise would be useful such as journaling, voice noting would be the first step.
This can then lead to finding the courage to seek more structured interpersonal help, whether it be with a friend, family member or therapist.
Does Quiet BPD Get Better with Age?
It’s always difficult to give a definitive answer to questions such as how long does it take for a mental health condition to resolve.
Historically speaking, however, BPD in all of its variants has been acknowledged as improving in later adulthood. This does depend on several factors, though.
If you receive a diagnosis early in life, it offers a far greater buffer of time to work on one’s self and to become aware of the patterning of your style of BPD so the necessary behaviours can be worked through.
The DSM-5 shares the following regarding the timeline of recovery for BPD:
“There is considerable variability in the course of borderline personality disorder. The most common pattern is one of chronic instability in early adulthood, with episodes of serious affective and impulsive dyscontrol and high levels of use of health and mental health resources.
The impairment from the disorder and the risk of suicide are greatest in the young-adult years and gradually wane with advancing age. During their 30s and 40s, the majority of individuals with this disorder attain greater stability in their relationships and vocational functioning.”
However, everyone’s journey with BPD is unique, and if there isn’t diagnosis until someone is in their 30’s it may affect the recovery curve.
Although, it has been documented that after the 10 year mark as many as half of individuals receiving treatment for BPD show marked improvement in their symptoms.
