I’m Dr. Becky Spelman. I’m a registered psychologist. The question that I’m commonly asked in my clinical practice is how do I make someone fall in love with me? Well, unfortunately, the answer is you can’t. There are no tricks or strategies as to how to make someone fall in love with you. If you’re particularly interested in a new individual and they’re unavailable to you or they’re not showing signs that they want to date with you or they’ve declined to date you, then they’re probably not interested. This is not necessarily that they’re rejecting you. Perhaps you’re just not their type.
What I would advise to someone in this situation is move on. Date other people. Have more self-esteem than actually chasing the wrong person. What you will find is that actually, through your journey of dating other people, you can then put your focus into people who are more interested in you. Unfortunately, a lot of my clients get into a habit of chasing the wrong individual and wishful thinking that this person will eventually want to date them or have a romantic relationship with them.
Unfortunately, I do meet people and there’s a client I have in mind where he really felt that his housemate was someone that he could date. He spent a lot of time with her. They built a great friendship. Perhaps some of the behaviors that she was doing could even be seen as flirting with him and he was misinterpreting all the signals. In fact, he stopped dating other people because they became so fixated on this one individual, ruminating and fantasizing about the next stuff and what was it he needed to do or say and what would be the perfect thing to get her to fall for him.
In actual fact, she was never going to fall for him. This was someone who just wanted a friendship. Unfortunately, he put months and months of time and effort into the idea of having a relationship with this woman when actually the best thing he needed to be doing for his self-esteem was dating other people and putting himself in a position where actually someone might truly be attracted to him because he was their type.
If you are fixated on the idea of someone falling in love with you, well, perhaps, you need to look at yourself first and actually think about your beliefs about yourself. Do you have an underlying belief that I’m not good enough that gets activated in relation to your dating life or your love life? If that is an underlying belief that niggles the way, you try to keep it but actually it gets activated when you start dating someone or start beginning a relationship with someone, then maybe you need to address that. Perhaps you need to have some therapy to overcome the underlying core negative belief that you hold. When you pull yourself up from the ball and chain which is the negative belief of “I’m not good enough”, then you are going to be in a better position to actually find love. Expect that other people are going to find you unlovable.
Unfortunately, it is something that people are commonly played to it. They have difficulties getting people to fall in love with them because actually they don’t find themselves lovable. They don’t possibly believe that other people could find them lovable. That gets in the way of their dating life. It causes them a lot of anxiety when their own new partners or a new dating situations because they’re expecting failure. They’re expecting someone to find them unlovable because they don’t think that they are good enough. This is a negative core belief that needs a lot of work, needs to be really shaken up so that actually someone is ready to try and find love and then they start looking for love in the right places.
If you would like some further advice on this topic, if you have been searching for love unsuccessfully, perhaps you feel there’s something you’re doing wrong that you can’t quite pinpoint it, then maybe you need to speak to a professional and get a little bit of advice and guidance. At Private Therapy Clinic, we give a free consultation so you can speak to one of our practitioners for free. There’s no obligation to continue. It’s completely confidential. It might just give you a little bit of guidance and advice that will help you start break this unhealthy cycle.
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For help with the issues discussed in this article speak to one of our therapists here at Private Therapy Clinic for a free initial chat or to make an appointment.