Have you ever felt like your anger is invalid?

Have you been trying to suppress your anger only to find yourself blowing up?

If so, you’re not alone.

Anger is one of the most highly charged emotions we have to deal with both internally and externally. And when it arises, it’s not something to be ignored.

We need to listen to our anger, especially as it pertains to our relationships.

Our anger comes as a messenger, showing us where we need to direct more effort within our journey of healing and personal growth.

And so, learning how to control anger that we experience in our relationships isn’t about squashing it, but about understanding it and working with it.

If we choose not to, there’s only so long we can live in ignorance before it eventually leads to a massive blowout and venting of everything that’s been repressed.

But this is simply letting off steam without addressing the real issue.

When repressed anger eventually does arise, it’s often been desperate to be heard for so long, it can be wild, untameable and destructive…

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn how to control anger better in our relationships. 

That doesn’t mean our anger isn’t heard, just that it’s expressed more constructively.

How to Tell if You Have Anger Issues in Your Relationship

Symptomatically, anger can manifest within many different patterns of behaviour.

But there are two categories most people conform to, relating to how anger is both held, processed and expressed.

Inwardly Repressing Your Anger

If you’re inwardly repressing your anger, it can feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of stepping on proverbial eggshells. Constantly trying to read the dynamics and landscape in your relationship to ensure you don’t say or do anything to provoke your partner.

It can see you overly focusing and conforming to your partner’s needs, which, over time can see you lose sight of what’s real for you and the importance of your needs. This is the syndrome of being the “nice guy” or the “nice lady.”

On the surface, everything may appear fine.

But underneath, there is an accumulation of unconscious anger and rage caused by your emotions not having the space to be seen or heard. Those feelings often go unvalidated, because of a tendency towards people-pleasing.

Outwardly Venting Your Anger

This is the classic expression of toxic anger within relationships that may be far more familiar, as it’s so much more visible and visceral.

If you’re in an outward expression of anger, you’re likely stuck in “patterns of ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming” your partner, bypassing the aspects of your behaviour that may need examining.

The result being, even if you do have just cause for being angry, those pieces you share won’t be properly received by your partner because of the way you deliver them.

In fact, the more viscerally you express your anger, the more your partner will shut down and withdraw. This will then likely serve as an additional trigger thus increasing the intensity of your anger and perpetuating the cycle.

Control Anger by Understanding the Deeper Psychology of Anger

In many ways, the expression of anger in relationships is rooted in unmet needs.

And in almost all instances within relationships where anger is an issue, there’s what’s called a “circular dance,” according to Harriet Lerner PhD.

This “circular dance” takes hold when the behaviour of each partner is provoking the other, thus maintaining the status quo of conflict within a relationship.

This creates a self-perpetuating cycle of anger.

A pattern which can play out for many years until there is an acknowledgement of a need for change by one or both partners.

For example, a husband who’s mentally and emotionally unavailable might draw the anger of his wife for not being present when he comes home from work.

However, the husband might be angry that he’s inundated with what he perceives as minor trivialities when he greets his wife after reaching his mental capacity for the day.

Both parties have valid reasons for being angry.

However, both remain stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle, because they believe there is only one solution, which is the other person changing their ways.

This creates a culture of blame within the relationship dynamic, which leads to a lack of focus on finding a solution.

And so, the “circular dance” continues…

How To Control Anger In A Relationship in the Long-Term

However, the antidote to any form of relational anger is never found in attempting to change the other person.

This is the illusory perception that keeps so many couples locked in dysfunctional patterns of anger within their relationships.

Because in reality, we can’t change anyone except ourselves.

And so, if you truly want to learn how to control anger in our relationships, it requires understanding the nature of our anger.

But the root cause of both the outward venting and inward repression of anger isn’t necessarily found within our significant other’s behaviour.

They’re often the ones triggering our patterns of anger that have been deeply ingrained within us during the developmental stages of our upbringing.

The Importance of Learning the Patterns of Your Anger in Your Relationships

Patterns of behaviour are not the same as the more commonly observed signs and symptoms of anger. Patterns are how your particular expression of anger manifests on the personal level.

For example, a sign of anger might be adopting a position of blame within conflict.

But this is too broad and non-specific to provide the deeper insight required to control anger.

Blaming in conflict is a sign, which serves as an entry point. The pattern is what happens on the interpersonal level, relating to the nature of your specific relationship.

And it’s these more nuanced patterns which are so vital to understand.

Fighting in relationships protects the patterns you engage in, thus preserving the status quo of dysfunction, dis-ease and discordance.

Understanding your patterns allows you to reverse engineer that dysfunction in your relationship, so you can learn how to better control anger.

The pattern is what lies at the core of the issue.

Once this can be both observed, accepted and interrupted, it allows you to break free from the narrative that’s been dictating your relationship.

Then, you can create a new script.

You can create more constructive dialogue between yourself and your partner.

Trust can be rebuilt through a slow and steady process of reparation.

Tips for Understanding Personal Patterns of Anger in Your Relationships

Understanding your personal patterns of anger will involve developing the skills of observation and reflection.

This requires shifting focus from your partner and directing more attention towards yourself.

Asking questions about your anger can be a very revealing exercise. You might ask:

• What is my anger preventing me from seeing right now?
• Does this anger represent my true feelings in this situation?
• What are the triggers that escalate my anger more than anything else?

Engaging with yourself in this manner will allow you to focus on the ‘I’ instead of the ‘you’ of your partner, which will help you shift from a culture of blame and projection into a mindset of accountability and problem-solving.

Another key area to explore is your family history.

Reflect on those relational dynamics, which might be underpinning and undermining your capacity to properly hold and express your anger.

Developing a practice of journaling would be hugely beneficial in this process.

It can be an incredible tracking tool, as well as a highly effective outlet for safely venting your frustrations, which can also help reveal some of your more nuanced and deeper lying patterns.

By gaining an understanding of your patterns, both through examining your family history and your current relationships – comparing and contrasting them – you can gain greater insight into where the source of your anger is actually rooted

However, this process relies on you going back to review your journals. It’s not enough to pour your heart and soul out only to never look at them again.

The identification of your patterns will only occur through re-engaging with what you’ve written on a consistent and cyclical basis.

Make an effort to check-in with your journals at the regular intervals. Turn it into a weekly or monthly review process.

This form of taking accountability is a core piece that will allow you to shift the dynamics of dysfunction within your relationship.

You’re only able to interrupt those patterns by becoming aware of them.

Why It’s Important To Process Anger Before Resolving Conflicts

Trying to engage in any form of conflict resolution when you’re in a heightened emotional state is only going to perpetuate the cycle of anger.

When you’re at your most triggered, your capacity for reason and logic is inhibited.

This occurs through the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which is a network of structures in the brain.

During episodes of anger, this is activated, which, in turn also affects the amygdala, the part of the brain involved in emotional processing,

Since conflict resolution requires being present with both your own feelings and your partner’s, attempting this work when you’re triggered will only lead to the “reinstating of patterns.”

This can lead to further damage through the unhealthy expression of anger, which can create more charge within an already high-intensity dynamic.

Over time, this can lead to a compounding of the issue, which can create so much animosity that further patterns of resentment take hold, making the conflict even more difficult to resolve then before.

Tips for Processing Anger Before Resolving Conflicts

Take a Time-Out: Walking away from a conflict is not submission or failure if it’s done mindfully. You could try expressing to your partner, “I don’t have the capacity to properly engage in this conversation, right now. I’m committed to working through this with you, but I need to process what’s coming up for me before we have this conversation. I need a time out.”

Develop Emotional Regulation Skills: Any form of anger is going to have an impact on your nervous system, which, in turn, is going to affect your capacity for rational thinking. You can regulate your nervous system with breathing practices, progressive muscle relaxation, sounding, and other body movement exercises such as Yoga, Qi Gung and Tai Chi

Practice Mindfulness: Once you’ve regulated your nervous system, you could try a contemplative-mindfulness meditation, sitting with the patterns and emotions that are coming up for you. Engaging in more breathing exercises and emptying the mind for an extended period can be another supplementary way of processing your anger. This can allow insights to surface that might not have been accessible, otherwise.

Identifying The Patterns: If and when you’ve gained a new level of insight into your anger, you could take these pieces into an exercise of reflective journaling. Use whatever method works for you, whether it’s a small paper journal, or even bullet points on your phone. The important thing is to make sure you have a record of them so you can then review your notes and start establishing patterns.

Focus On The Problem, Not The Person: Working with your anger in connection is a process of understanding both positions and focusing on the problem at hand. If you take time out, it’s not to engage in narratives around plotting revenge or in any other practices that will result in maintaining the current status quo of your relationship. Focus on the problem, not your partner.

Why Its Important to Respond To Anger (Instead of Reacting) in order to control anger

This can be taken in a very literal sense. You do actually want to respond to the anger.

That should always be the main focus of conflict resolution. Because by speaking to the emotions, you let go of the blame mechanics that can cause further escalation.

Speaking to the anger and responding to the anger is the very essence of focusing on the problem.

And responding instead of reacting is the difference between a considered, constructive response and an impulsive one that can often itself be rooted in anger.

How To Express Anger Constructively in Your Relationships

The use of “I” statements is a simple but powerful way to keep yourself anchored in what’s true for you right now without drifting into projecting onto your partner.

For example, you might structure an “I” statement as, “I feel like I’m not being heard right now and I know that’s because we’re both in very different places with our needs and wants…”

This type of phrase stem can serve as an opening statement which acknowledges the frustration of not being heard without blaming your partner as well acknowledging their position in a neutral manner.

This could be followed up by saying, “I feel like we both want our anger to be heard, and I’d really like for us to share our feelings constructively so we can find a way forward together.”

Using statements such as this, specifically beginning with ‘I feel,’ allows you to focus on yourself, and also avoid using ‘absolutes.’

The opposite of an “I” feel statement would be “you always [insert accusation/blame/projection]”

When you couple “I” statements with actively listening to your partner, it can open up the channels of communication and more space for you both to be heard, and as a result allow you both to feel validated in your position.

The way you control anger in your relationship in the front-facing expression is always going to be through improving your communication.

But those improvements can only be made by looking at yourself and how you can transcend your own dysfunctional patterns of behaviour.