As a woman with high functioning autism (HFA), navigating life may feel like a constant performance, leading to an intense need to fit in – at all costs. Trying to be anything other than yourself.

One of the biggest tendencies that contributes to this is ‘masking’ or ‘camouflaging,’ which involves suppressing your autistic traits and mimicking neurotypical behaviours.

And while masking exists in both male and female presentations of autism, it’s far more prevalent amongst women, with ‘high masking’ generally being a term that’s associated with HFA women.

This can eventually lead to anxiety, burnout, and exhaustion as you constantly place yourself under pressure to fit into the neurotypical way of living – masking your true identity.

The silent struggle. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

Why Women Mask: Social Camouflage and Fitting In

Women on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum often have a heightened awareness of the importance of social connection, and are more emotionally invested in both making and trying to maintain those connections.

However, having often grown up with input from their peers that their autistic traits were “wrong” or “abnormal,” many subconsciously come to believe they have to change themselves to be accepted.

For instance, if a little girl with autism notices that her intense passions and straightforward – no nonsense – communication style aren’t getting her the right kind of attention from her peers, she might find emotional relief in going with the status quo. The accepted norm.

And so…

She learns their social scripts—though they’re more like branding herself with an identity that is not her own.

She perfects reproducing the opinions, choices and behaviours of her neurotypical peers, how to think and how to fit in… How to be accepted.

But… In doing so, she gives away her identity. She gives away her happiness.

This child becomes less and less of herself as she grows up rather than becoming a fully fledged woman, fully embodied in her own power. She becomes ‘normal.’ But was never meant for normality.

She was born to be different – to be unique. Born to shake things up…

This desire to fit in amongst high functioning autistic women can also be exacerbated by societal expectations relating to what “acceptable femininity” looks like.

There is already a great deal of pressure placed on women to embody a certain archetype of the feminine. When you throw neurodivergence into the mix, it can lead to many autistic women feeling like there’s a standard of behaviour and identity, which they can just never attain by being themselves.

This entrenches them further in high masking behaviours, leading them to seek outside of themselves rather than embracing what’s true for them and their inner world.

The Emotional Toll of Masking In High Functioning Autistic Women

As a high-functioning autistic woman, you may find yourself grappling with the profound emotional impact of masking.

You might feel like an imposter or fraud, constantly switching between public and private personas to fit in and meet social expectations.

The exhaustion of maintaining multiple facades can be overwhelming, leaving you drained and disconnected not only from yourself, but still feeling like an outsider no matter how much you mask.

The fear of being found out as different from the norm may be rooted in rejection trauma from learned experiences in childhood when you tried to be yourself but weren’t accepted.

Beneath the masks, you long for a unified, authentic sense of self—a chance to be genuinely accepted and understood for who you are, without the need for pretence or performance.

Yun’s Story: Overcoming Challenges and Creating a Personality

One example of this is a woman who works as a high-level executive in the tech industry with a twin brother who is also on the spectrum but differs in his adaptive abilities. Yun had to struggle through school by herself without any of the tailored accommodations her brother was offered. She chose to remain silent – and struggle – finding ways to mould herself to her peers, playing into the ‘unseen and unheard’ strategy of a shy child.

In order for Yun to succeed, and meet the standards that were deemed acceptable and appropriate for her as a woman, she had to constantly be reaching outside of who she really was, creating a persona – and mask. In reality, many masks had to be worn. None of them truly serving her best interests or greater emotional need for security and acceptance.

“Everyday at the office, I felt like I was always on guard and on the defensive. I wasn’t able to fully let down and relax at all. There was this constant state of anxiety I experienced. You could say I was fanatically disciplined in the work that I did. From the outside looking In, it might look like I was a model employee. And in some ways, that’s how I viewed myself. But I was far from being who I really was on the inside. There was very little of me. Barely anything at all. I thought I was just ‘not right and was this weird odd one out.’”

Recognising Signs of High Masking in Autistic Women

As an autistic woman, your experience of the condition is often differentiated from the male expression as the female autistic phenotype.

As your symptoms are often more subtle and internalised, it can make them easy to overlook both by yourself and others, including medical professionals.

This can lead to delayed or misdiagnosis with other co-occurring conditions, as the signs of autism in females may be mistaken for other issues such ADHD, OCD and BPD.

Recognising the signs of masking in yourself is a crucial step towards embracing your authentic neurodivergent identity and way of being.

Further Reading: What is the Relationship Between Autism and ADHD?

Social Camouflaging: Playing the Part of ‘Normal’

• Studying social scripts: Women with high masking autism may consciously study and memorise social etiquette, phrases, and responses to fit in better with their neurotypical peers, masking their natural tendencies and preferences.
• Mimicking facial expressions: To compensate for difficulty reading and responding to nonverbal cues, autistic women may practise mimicking facial expressions and body language to appear more socially engaged and receptive.
• Forcing eye contact: Despite potential discomfort or sensory overload, women with autism may force themselves to make and maintain eye contact during social interactions to adhere to neurotypical expectations.
• Suppressing stimming behaviours: High masking autistic women may consciously suppress repetitive or self-stimulatory behaviours (stimming) that help them regulate emotions and sensory input, as these behaviours may be perceived as socially inappropriate.
• Preparing conversation topics: To navigate social situations more smoothly, women with autism may have prepared conversation starters, topics, and questions to fall back on, reducing anxiety and masking difficulties with spontaneous communication.

Sensory Sensitivities: Overwhelm from Noise, Crowds, and Textures

• Carrying sensory regulation tools: Women with high masking autism may carry discreet sensory regulation tools, such as fidget toys, stress balls, or chewable jewellery, to help them manage sensory input and maintain a calm, focused state in social settings.
• Planning breaks and escape routes: To prevent sensory overload in crowded or overstimulating environments, high masking women may plan regular breaks and identify quiet spaces or escape routes to retreat to when needed, allowing them to recharge and return to social situations with renewed energy.
• Gradually desensitising to sensory input: Some high masking women may work on gradually desensitising themselves to challenging sensory experiences, such as specific noises or textures through controlled exposure and coping strategies, in order to expand their comfort zone and reduce the need for masking in certain situations.
• Masking sensory discomfort: In some cases, women may feel pressure to hide their sensory discomfort and push through overwhelming situations to avoid drawing attention to their differences or being perceived as “difficult,” leading to increased stress and exhaustion.

Communication Challenges: Literal Thinking and Difficulty with Sarcasm

• Studying and practising sarcasm: To better understand and engage in sarcastic humour, women may study examples of sarcasm, learn to identify tone and context clues, and practice using what they’ve learned in safe environments to improve their social communication skills.
• Asking clarifying questions: To navigate literal thinking and avoid misunderstandings, high masking women may ask clarifying questions or request more context when faced with ambiguous or non-literal language, ensuring they grasp the intended meaning before responding.
• Observing and mimicking neurotypical communication: Women may closely observe and mimic the communication styles, facial expressions, and body language of neurotypical individuals to blend in and appear more socially adept, suppressing their natural style of communication.
• Masking confusion or discomfort: In some situations, autistic women may choose to mask their confusion, discomfort, or lack of understanding when faced with sarcasm, jokes, or abstract language to avoid appearing “different” or causing social awkwardness, even if this leads to increased stress and anxiety.

Further Reading: AuDHD: Could This Explain Your Ongoing Struggles?

Unmasking Your Potential: Empowering Autistic Women

There is huge potential within you if you’re willing to acknowledge it.

There is nothing wrong with the way you act, there’s nothing wrong with the way that you are. There’s nothing wrong with the way that you express yourself.

It’s simply that you may not have learned how to fully accept yourself yet and truly love who you are – authentically unmasked. It’s only by loving this version of yourself and celebrating who you truly are, and allowing others to see it, that greater acceptance will come.

That greater security can be felt.

Everything can change when you decide that you really are worth it and what you have to offer is unique rather than being ‘wrong,’ because there is no one else truly like you.

You have great potential within and it’s simply waiting for you to recognise it.

Because, believe it or not, there are people out there waiting to connect with someone that thinks, acts and speaks in the way that you do, to share with them a human relationship that no one else can.

The uniqueness that is you.

There’s a real beauty in that if you allow it in. If you allow it to bloom.

Gradually Reducing Masking Behaviours in Safe Environments

It really doesn’t need to be all or nothing when it comes to unmasking yourself, stepping into who you are and standing out as the fully embodied version of yourself.

You don’t need to push or rush anything past your zone of comfort.

After experiencing all the societal expectations to fit in, you don’t now need to pressurise yourself in the same way to stand out. It can be, and in truth, is a journey of becoming.

And just as you can’t rush the unfurling of a rose, you can’t rush the blossoming of yourself, either. It happens in its own time. Organically. You’ll do so at the rhythm and pace of what feels good for you.

It can be with only trusted friends and family, if that’s what feels right.

It could also be in new social groups where there are no expectations on you, where you can be completely free to express yourself without second guessing how you’re being received, because there is no prior history in this peer group.

It’s a blank social canva to practise being completely yourself.

But the most important thing is that you feel safe to do so. Safe to express.

Challenging Societal Expectations and Stereotypes

As you deepen into the journey of unmasking your true, authentic self, remember that your neurodivergence is like a snowflake, completely unique, and it can be an incredible source of strength and creativity.

Stepping into your power as a neurodivergent and/or autistic woman – however you choose to identify – is inevitably going to involve challenging societal expectations and stereotypes.

But you were born for this. You were born to be you!

How many definitions of success, happiness and femininity have been forced onto you? There comes a point where there needs to be a choice between conditioned conformity and embracing your individuality.

It’s time to reject the notion that you need to pass yourself off as neurotypical – ‘as normal’ – to be valued or respected and embrace your own unique way of being.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to advocate for yourself and your needs to further the conversation of meaningful inclusivity.

Your voice is your most powerful asset.

But your voice is more than just vocalising your needs.

It’s the way that you act, it’s the way that you present yourself, it’s the way that you express yourself in all ways.

By not only speaking out, but acting out your neurodiversity in its most authentic, playful expression, and connecting with other autistic women, you can help contribute to a more inclusive and accepting society which celebrates everyone’s beauty.

Remember, unmasking your potential, and the real you is a deeply personal journey that looks different for every autistic woman.

Trust your instincts, surround yourself with a strong support network, and prioritise your own well-being before any sense of obligation to be anything other than safe.

As you gradually shed the masks that have hidden your true self, you will naturally become the voice that people are waiting to receive simply by being yourself.

Embodying a sense of self that is full of purpose and joy, that is entirely your own. That is entirely you. She – Unmasked.