Almost all of us carry scars from childhood, usually stemming from negative experiences with parents, caregivers, or other significant authority figures.
These can result in what are sometimes referred to as “inner child wounds.”
Reparenting is a process that involves examining those wounds, which contribute to the habits, patterns and behavioural cues we play out in later life.
These are known as trauma loops.
By healing your inner child wounds, it can bring an end to the cyclical expression of being triggered into playing out your patterns of dysfunctional behaviour.
This, in turn, will improve the quality of your relationships, both with yourself and others.
Understanding the Cycle of Inner Child Wounds
Understanding the cycle of Inner child wounds is essential in order to heal and move forward with your life.
The cycle begins with the initial wounding experience, whether it be emotional or physical.
This creates a deep-seated feeling of hurt and vulnerability that will carry on into adulthood.
Most of these wounds tend to occur in the developmental staged of between 0-7 years old.
These unresolved wounds can then manifest in a variety of ways, such as self-sabotage, addiction, and unhealthy relationships.
The cycle will continue to play out, reinforcing the associated trauma loop(s) that consists of a trigger that leads to a pattern of behaviour known as a trauma response.
However, with awareness and a commitment to healing, it is possible to break these cycles and find a path towards inner peace and emotional freedom.
Types of Inner Child Wounds
There are many types of inner child wounds. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but represents some of the more common experiences relating to childhood trauma.
Abandonment Wound
This type of wounding is rooted in absentee parental figures, caregivers, or being left – abandoned – at a young age, which can lead to the fear of being rejected in future relationships.
For example, Tom might be triggered by his girlfriend not replying to his messages. He fears that she’s losing interest in him and that he’ll be left alone – abandoned once again.
As a result, he becomes clingy and needy, which pushes his girlfriend away. This validates the narrative he’s holding onto and his trauma loop continues in his next relationship.
Inner Child Wound 1: Neglect Wound
Neglect is sometimes confused with abandonment as they can often inter-function with one another.
But neglect specifically relates to being ignored, overlooked or uncared for, which can lead to feeling unworthy of attention and affection.
For example, Rachel feels unworthy of her partner’s love and attention because she never received it from her parents.
She constantly doubts her partner’s feelings for her, which causes tension in their relationship.
Inner Child Wound 2: Emotional Wound
These are usually the most common type of wounds inflicted in childhood, due to the ease with which emotional harm can occur.
They take root when our emotions are invalidated, dismissed, or ignored, leading to difficulty in maintaining a consistent emotional baseline.
These wounds re-occur when a trigger activates the trauma loop, causing you to relive those past experiences and re-experience the associated emotions.
For example, John struggles to express his emotions and often shuts down when he feels overwhelmed.
His partner feels like he is distant and unresponsive, which leads to conflicts and misunderstandings.
This is due to John experiencing low self-esteem and unworthiness through being continually invalidated during his childhood.
Inner Child Wound 3: Physical Wound
These occur when a child experiences physical harm on a consistent basis, leading to difficulty in feeling safe and trusting others.
For example, Sarah has a hard time feeling safe with her partner because of the physical abuse she experienced as a child.
She avoids physical intimacy and has difficulty trusting her partner’s desire to connect with her more deeply.
Even though his touch isn’t threatening, the deep-rooted issues of trust have created a narrative, making it difficult for Sarah to receive her partner intimately.
Inner Child Wound 4: Verbal Wound
If you were repeatedly criticised, , or shamed as a child this can lead to difficulties in feeling confident, and having a positive self-image and self-esteem.
For example, Alex is extremely sensitive to criticism and is easily triggered when his partner points out either a minor character flaw or mistake.
He becomes defensive and is prone to either lashing out or shutting down in response to perceived criticism, which creates tension in their relationship.
Inner Child Wound 5: Sexual Wound
This wounding is rooted in sexual abuse, harassment or trauma, leading to difficulty in trusting others and feeling comfortable with intimacy.
For example, Maria has difficulty with physical intimacy because of the sexual abuse she experienced as a child.
Her trauma may be activated when she receives touch in a way that is reminiscent of the harassment/abuse she experienced in childhood.
As a result, she may avoid physical touch and also have difficulty trusting her partner during their sexual interactions.
7 Inner Child Archetypes
Archetypes have been used to better understand our psychological make-up since they were introduced by Carl Jung.
The inner child archetype is one of his most famous contributions to psychology.
But in the time since, his archetypal model has been expanded onto provide a greater depth of understanding around the nuances of the human psyche.
The following inner child archetype model is based on the work of Dr. Nicole Le’Pera in her book, How to Do the Work?
1. Abandoned Child
The abandoned child will likely have grown up in an environment where neglect, rejection and constant abandonment were commonplace. This could include physical abandonment (e.g., a parent leaving or being absent), emotional abandonment (e.g., a parent not being emotionally available or responsive), or psychological abandonment (e.g., a parent rejecting or disowning a child).
Wounds: If you identify with this archetype you’re more likely to struggle with low self-esteem, self-doubt, and difficulty forming close relationships and trusting others.
Character: You may fear being rejected, and also have an intense fear of being left alone. You may require constant validation, but could also be overly self-reliant at times due to your trust issues.
Task: Working with the abandoned inner child involves developing self-compassion and an understanding that others’ treatment of you does not reflect your value.
Goal: The goal of working with the abandoned child is to move from a sense of isolation and disconnection to a sense of belonging and connection with others.
2. People-Pleaser Child
The people-pleaser child will likely have grown up in an environment where their needs were not consistently met and learned that their worth was based on how much they could please others. They may have experienced conditional love or acceptance, where they were only valued after fulfilling certain expectations or meeting certain standards.
Wounds: You may struggle with setting boundaries, asserting your own needs, maintaining a sense of individuality and communicating effectively with others.
Character: You may have a tendency to be over-accommodating and self-sacrificing, need external validation, have a strong sense of guilt and responsibility for others’ feelings and have a tendency to avoid conflict.
Task: Working with the people-pleaser child involves developing tools to enable setting healthy boundaries so they can communicate assertively and effectively to avoid feeling obligated to provide for others when it doesn’t feel right for them
Goal: The goal is to move from a place of prioritising the needs of others above your own needs, to a place of balanced, mutually respectful relationships that honours the needs of everyone.
3. Inner Critic Child
The inner critic child is rooted in experiences of criticism, judgment, and negative feedback from caregivers or authority figures during childhood. Their upbringing may be rooted in trauma or abuse in which they were made to feel responsible for the negative experiences they endured. In some cases, their interval voice may be a coping mechanism to protect them from rejection.
Wounds: You may struggle with constant self-doubt and inadequacy, difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback, a tendency to compare yourself to others and self-sabotaging behaviours that stem from fear of failure or judgement
Character: You likely have a harsh and critical inner voice, and may also lean towards perfectionism. You might also have a fear of making mistakes and being seen as incompetent.
Task: Working with the Inner Critic archetype involves developing an awareness of negative self-talk and replacing these narratives with more compassionate inner dialogues.
Goal: The goal is to move from a place of self-criticism and negative self-talk to one of self-acceptance and self-love, leading to emotional well-being and a greater sense of contentment.
4. Perfectionist Child
The perfectionist child’s upbringing can often involve having to meet high expectations placed on them by their caregivers. Mistakes may be punished severely and harsh criticism may have been used to correct their ‘imperfections.’ There may also have experienced conditional love that was only offered when the child had achieved success or met expectations.
Wounds: You may struggle with anxiety and the fear of failure as you set unrealistic standards and experience difficulty accepting constructive criticism, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
Character: You may also find yourself stuck in cycles of procrastination, and indecision, present as inflexible in your relationships, believing there is only one “right” way to do things.
Task: This can involve learning to identify and challenge irrational beliefs about perfection and failure, as well as developing strategies for self-care and stress reduction.
Goal: The goal is to develop a healthy balance between striving for excellence and self-compassion. This involves challenging your rigid mindset and learning to accept imperfections as a natural part of your growth and learning process.
5. Victimised Child
The victimised child may have grown up in an environment where they experienced physical emotional or sexual abuse. They may have learnt to cope by withdrawing and becoming passive as they feel like nothing they do will make a difference. This can lead to a narrative of victimhood where they believe they have no control over their circumstances.
Wounds: Individuals may struggle with a perception of being powerless, helpless, and also experience shame and guilt. They may have difficulty trusting others and have a tendency to blame those around them for their misfortune.
Character: You may experience a deep-rooted sense of injustice when things don’t go your way, difficulty taking responsibility for your actions and a tendency to feel overwhelmed when faced with challenges.
Task: This can involve learning to identify and challenge irrational beliefs about powerlessness and victimhood, as well as developing strategies for increasing your agency and self-efficacy.
Goal: The goal is to develop a sense of empowerment and self-autonomy, learning to take responsibility for your emotions and actions, which in turn leads to building self-esteem and self-worth and trusting others.
6. The Enraged Child
The enraged child will most likely have grown up in a house with at least one parent who frequently loses their temper, directing it at the other family members in the home. The child then learns to fear their parent’s anger, shuttingdown from them. Over time, all of this repressed emotion must be released and does so in huge outbursts of anger and rage.
Wounds: You will likely struggle to regulate your emotions, most notably anger. You may have a tendency to react with aggression or hostility in response to perceived threats or triggers. As a result, you may have difficulty forming healthy relationships due to your volatile emotions.
Character: Your rage can manifest as explosive verbal outbursts, physical aggression or destruction of property, which can stem from feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
Task: This involves identifying triggers and learning de-escalation techniques, as well as developing healthy coping mechanisms that replace destructive tendencies and managing anger.
Goal: The goal is to reduce levels of anger to a manageable level, so a sense of self-esteem and self-worth can be integrated, which in turn leads to an improvement in the quality of your relationships.
7. Detached Child
The detached child’s upbringing will involve one or more parents who are emotionally unavailable or neglectful. As a result, the child feels unseen and learns to cope with the lack of care and validation by shutting down emotionally and becoming withdrawn. This makes expressing emotions quite difficult with a tendency towards intellectualising rather than truly feeling them.
Wounds: You may have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, feeling isolated and disconnected from others and also avoid emotional intimacy and vulnerability.
Character: You may under-function in your response time due to your preference for intellectual and rational thinking over emotional and intuitive feeling. You may also have a tendency to dissociate or shut down emotionally in stressful situations.
Task: This will involve learning to open up the emotional channels by anchoring in a sense of worthiness, and developing the capacity to receive love and affection without the fear of being rejected.
Goal: The goal is to develop the ability to recognise and express emotions, learning to be safe with vulnerability and intimacy and relationships. But also to feel comfortable asking for and receiving help and support from others.
Reparenting Your Inner Child Wounds
Reparenting your inner child and working with these types of deeply seated wounds can be a challenging and potentially triggering exercise, especially if you’re dealing with complex trauma.
It’s important to be mindful of your current capacity and whether or not you’re in a place to engage in this kind of work. It is incredibly rewarding, but could also be re-traumatising.
Mental health conditions that are classified as complex include post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Borderline personality disorder (BPD), and Dissociative identity disorder (DID). Although this is not a definitive list.
Please be aware of your own personal circumstances and capacity before attempting any form of deep inner child work.
How to Reparent Your Inner Child
You can use the following steps to connect with your inner child until you reach step 3. Then, simply scroll down to the inner archetype that you most relate to and continue with the exercise.
Step 1: Preparation
Before you begin, make sure you’re in a comfortable and quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Take a few deep breaths and ground yourself in the present moment. Remind yourself you’re in a safe space and that this is just an exploration.
Step 2: Identify Your Inner Child
Place your hand on your heart, take some more deep breaths in and connect with your inner child. Imagine what they look like and what emotions they might be feeling. Allow yourself plenty of time. This is meant to be approached as a meditative exercise. Go slow and be gentle with yourself.
Step 3: Questions and Affirmations
Begin by asking your inner child what they need to feel loved and supported. Listen carefully to their responses and offer affirmations and reassurance. Make sure to journal anything that you feel is relevant and represents and wound that required additional support. You can use these pieces to create your own affirmations based on your inner child’s needs. There are some examples below to give your an indication of what might be supportive.
1. Abandoned Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What do you need to trust me?”
- “How can I make you feel safe?”
- “What did you feel when you were left alone or neglected?”
- “What did you need most from your caregivers that you didn’t receive?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “You are worthy of love and acceptance, just as you are.”
- “You don’t have to please everyone to be loved.”
- “I’m here for you and I will not abandon you.”
2. People-Pleaser Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What needs are you prioritising when you constantly say yes to others?”
- “How can you assert your own needs and boundaries in relationships?”
- “What fears come up for you when you think about saying no to someone?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “It’s okay to say no sometimes and prioritise my own needs.”
- “My worth is not dependent on how much I please others.”
- “I deserve to have relationships where my needs are respected and valued.”
- “I trust myself to make decisions that align with my values and boundaries.”
3. Inner Critic Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What do you really need right now?”
- “How can I help you be kinder to yourself?”
- “What do you think is the purpose of your criticism?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “I am capable of achieving my goals and dreams.”
- “I am worthy and deserving of love and respect, regardless of any mistakes I have made.”
- “I choose to be kind and compassionate to myself, even in moments of difficulty or failure.”
- “I trust in my own abilities and trust that I can handle any challenges that come my way.”
4. Perfectionist Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What are your biggest fears about not being perfect?”
- “What do you feel like you have to prove to others?”
- “What are some things that make you feel proud of yourself?”
- “What can I do to support you in letting go of the need to be perfect?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “You are worthy and valuable just as you are, regardless of your achievements.”
- “You don’t have to be perfect to be loved and accepted.”
- “Your mistakes don’t define you or your worth.”
5. Victim Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What experiences have made you feel like a victim?”
- “What needs weren’t being met in the past?”
- “What do you need to feel safe and empowered?”
- “What do you feel you need to feel safe and secure?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “You are strong and capable of overcoming your challenges.”
- “You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.”
- “It’s not your fault that you were hurt, and it’s okay to ask for help.”
6. Enraged Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What makes you feel angry or frustrated?”
- “What does your anger tell you about yourself and your needs?”
- “How can I support you in expressing your anger in a healthy way?”
- “What do you think would help you feel more calm and peaceful?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “It’s okay to feel angry, it’s a natural human emotion.”
- “You are allowed to express your anger in healthy ways.”
- “You are strong and capable of handling difficult situations.”
7. Detached Child
Step 3: Questions
- “What do you need to feel safe and comfortable?”
- “What emotions do you find difficult to express?”
- “What situations make you feel like detaching?”
- “How can I support you?”
Step 3: Affirmations
- “It’s okay to feel your emotions, even if it’s uncomfortable.”
- “You don’t have to face your emotions alone.”
- “I am here to support you and help you feel safe.”
Step 4: Expressing Your Emotions in a Healthy Way
It’s important to allow yourself to both feel and express the emotions that come up during this exercise, but also to do so in a constructive and integrative way. Here are a few strategies you might use:
Writing: Journaling or writing letters to your inner child can be a powerful way to express and process repressed emotions. You can also write out any negative self-talk or limiting beliefs and reframe them in a more positive light. This can be a very integrative experience to complete the exercise.
Artistic expression: Painting, drawing, sculpting, or any other form of artistic expression can be a way to access and release repressed emotions. You don’t have to be an artist to benefit from this. It’s more about the process, not the outcome.
Mindful movement: Engaging in mindful movement practices like yoga, tai chi, or dance can help you connect with your body and release pent-up emotions. You can also try practices like shaking or vocal toning to help release physical tension.
Talking to a trusted friend or therapist: Talking about your emotions with a trusted friend or therapist can be a powerful way to release them. It’s important to find someone who can hold space for you and validate your experience without judgment.
Self-compassion and self-care: Practicing self-compassion and self-care can help you tune into your needs and emotions and honour them in healthy ways. This can include things like taking a hot bath, going for a walk in nature, or simply taking some quiet time to reflect and be with yourself.
Remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work with inner child wounds. Healing takes time, but with commitment and practice, it is possible to find greater emotional balance and well-being.
