Establishing Boundaries With Borderline Personality Disorder
It can be very difficult to be in a romantic relationship with someone with a borderline personality disorder. For anyone...
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Reach us via email, chatbot or WhatsApp messagesReach us on WhatsApp messages only: +447511116565Appointment times: Monday - Sunday: 7 AM-11 PM.Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is largely defined by an instability that extends to moods, behaviour, relationships and sense of self. While it’s common for us all to experience changes in the way we feel at some point, for those with BPD, it occurs with far greater intensity. This kind of emotional turbulence makes for challenging and oftentimes chaotic relationships for both the individual and those close to them. Due to these changes in mood, BPD can sometimes be confused with bipolar disorder. However, it differs in that these changes occur much more frequently, usually taking place during a single day andsometimes over the span ofan hour compared to the weeks at a time cycle of mania and depression with bipolar.
BPD always comes from early in life – from childhood experiences. This is a result of growing up in an environment where people’s emotions are not attended to. If someone has experienced childhood emotional neglect or even worse, childhood trauma, where they are left to deal with very difficult emotions on their own or their emotions are neglected or ignored, they may go onto develop BPD or BPD traits. However they may not meet the full criteria for the disorder.
That’s not to say that somebody who grows up in an environment with emotionally neglectful parents, abusive parents, or traumatic circumstances will always go on to develop BPD, as there is a natural innate personality element that has a part to play as well. However, there is a strong chance that somebody may go onto develop those symptoms or other emotional struggles, behavioural difficulty, or interpersonal difficulties if they grew up in an environment where their emotions were not understood, attended to, and nurtured.
In order to know whether you have BPD or not, you want to ask yourself, did you come from an environment where your emotions were attended to, understood, supported, and your parents really tried to connect with you emotionally. Perhaps, you might think of an instance where you did something wrong, do you remember the punishment or were your parents people who sat you down and said, “We love you very much, but this is why the behaviour was wrong…” and rather than labelling you as “bad,” they, in a loving caring way, explained why the behaviour you did was wrong.
This leads to a big problem for people who have BPD or BPD traits. They end up receiving, from quite an early age the message that emotions are not important, and therefore, they shut these emotions off. They sweep them under the carpet, they learn not to feel very much, or to try not to feel very much which is an impossible task. By the time someone has reached 5 years old, they have learned to suppress their emotions if they’ve grown up in this environment where their emotions were not being attended to.
The symptoms of BPD are closely intertwined with one another, with each one often informing the appearance of the next, functioning almost like a domino effect.
There are nine main symptoms that characterise BPD with the official criteria for a diagnosis requiring at least five of the following to be present:
Fear of Abandonment: To someone with BPD, the thought of being abandoned is a very real possibility, however unlikely it is to happen. It can lead to highly co-dependent relationships and be a great source of friction with friends, family and lovers.
Unstable Relationships: Due to the fear of abandonment and fluctuations in mood, unstable relationships are a common occurrence. They’re often viewed in extremes of being either perfect or terrible – also known as ‘idealisation’ and ‘devaluation,’ respectively.
Unclear Sense of Identity: Also known as an ‘identity disturbance,’thisstems having such low self-worth that the need is felt to constantly be looking for a way to boost esteem by making changes in appearance, friends, relationships, values, goal and even sexual orientation.
Impulsive Behaviours: These behaviours often linked to self-destructive tendencies, low sense of esteem or the need to seek attention.They include activities such as reckless spending, binge eating, substance abuse and other risky behaviours
Self-Harm & Suicidal Behaviour: This can be another common occurrence and usually the result abandonment issues, emotional swings and emptiness weighing heavily on the individual. Suicidal behaviour is not only limited to attempted acts but also includes thoughts and threats.
Erratic Emotions: The emotional swings of BPD are different from normal fluctuations in mood in that they’re more intense, usually occurring over a matter of hours. They’re also often triggered by trivial events that might otherwise be shrugged off by others.
Extreme Episodes of Anger: Anger issues have been linked heavily with abandonment and unmet expectations within inter-personal relationships. If someone with BPD feels they’re being shunted, it’s not uncommon for them to display anger disproportionate to the situation.
Feelings of Emptiness: People with BPD might often talk about feeling ‘hollow’ or referring to how they’re ‘nothing’ inside. This often feeds into the tendency towards the shifting sense of identity and engaging in impulsive behaviours as a way of trying to compensate for the perceived lack of self.
Dissociating/Losing Touch With Reality: Dissociation and stress-related paranoia is often a side effect of emotional instability and fear of abandonment, causing the individual to be suspicious of other’s motives. It can make reasoning with someone who has BPD extremely challenging.
BPD is often mistaken by those who observe the condition in another as rudeness and even narcissism. And while it’s true that there is some cross over between both narcissistic individuals and those with BPD, the two are entirely separate conditions with their own particular set of unique traits. Since the BPD was only given its proper classification as a mental illness in the 1970s, there are still a lot of misconceptions about the workings of the disorder and how it causes the individual to act in the manner they do. Listed below are some points you may not be aware of concerning both the condition and the mindset of the sufferer.
The Individual With BPD Struggles With Inter-Personal Relationships
The individual with borderline tendencies isn’t just a difficult or disagreeable person, they simply have a hard time grounding themselves in their relationships. The borderline sufferer often views things at either one of the spectrum or the other. Everything is either all good (idealisation) or all bad (devaluation). These thought patterns tend to occur in cycles with idealisation of a spouse or partner displayed when their needs are being met, followed by the devaluation of another when they feel they’re being either let down, rejected or abandoned.
It Isn’t Treatable with the Right Help
This can be especially encouraging for those who’re either a long-term sufferer or else are in a serious relationship with someone who they would like to see regain control over their mental health. Although BPD is classed as a complex and challenging condition, there are several evidence-based therapies that have proved to effective in Dialectal Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Certain medications, such as anti-depressants and mood stabilisers, have also shown positive results when coupled with talk therapies.
It is a Gender-Specific Issue.
While it’s true that there are more well-documented cases of women who develop the disorder, a study has shown the susceptibility across both genders is surprisingly close with men displaying a 5.6% risk and women just slightly above that at 6.2%. The fact there are relatively fewer recorded cases of men with BPD could be attributed to them their symptom set being confused as signs of another disorder, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or, even narcissism, as we mentioned early.
BPD Is Only Caused By Childhood Trauma
Although childhood trauma can be a chief cause of mental health issues, it’s not solely responsible for the onset of BPD. Abandonment during childhood is often cited as one of the main causes of BPD. And it’s an idea that’s not without merit, given reimagining of the experience in future relationships. However, studies have also shown that genes could play a bigger role than was previously thought, as well as problems with neurotransmitters – particularly serotonin – and underdeveloped brains. A study found that portions of the brain such as the amygdala, hippocampus, and orbitofrontal cortex were all smaller than those found in the average non-sufferer.
Every Borderline Sufferer Has Their Own Challenges
In much the same way that we all have our own personal challenges, so too, do those with BPD have their own particular set of issues that they’re dealing with. To say because you’ve met one person with BPD means you’re able to apply that experience to every other sufferer you meet in the future is more than a little naïve. BPD has a wide spectrum, and although there has been no official classification of subtypes, one of the more well-known models by American Psychologist Theodore Milton offers four distinct archetypes, which are: the discouraged borderline, impulsive borderline, petulant borderline and the self-destructive borderline. And again, just as these archetypes are different from one another, so will the people who are of the same archetype be unique, also.
There are multiple treatments that have proved effective in treating BPD that we offer at Private Therapy Clinic. To help someone get better from Borderline Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder Traits, they need to do a lot of work on restructuring how they deal with their emotions. They will also need to work on their communication, and how they deal with their relationships and their interpersonal skills, how they deal with their different moods including anxiety, and also self-esteem problems. It depends on the individual because not every person with BPD is the same. People with BPD come with all different types of personalities and the problems that they present with can come in all different shapes and forms as well.
A therapist has to be someone who is incredibly knowledgeable about BPD. They need to know psychodynamic understandings and a psychodynamic framework very well so that they can understand where your difficulties came from in the first place. They need to be quite skilled at helping you with all of the emotional and behavioural difficulties that you might have as you will probably participate in some unhelpful behaviours as a result of the emotions that you experience. Somebody who has DBT skills can be very helpful and someone who has mindfulness and CBT skills as well can be very helpful. It is unlikely that a therapist who just knows one approach is going to be able help you and they need to be a senior practitioner who has been working with BPD for a very long time, so that they can really understand you. However, one of the most powerful things that is going to help you achieve change and help you get better and help you achieve your goals is going to be that therapeutic relationship. Are you warming to this practitioner? Can you trust them? Are they patient and understanding? And are they able to truly put themselves in your shoes?
The questions that you should be asking your therapist that you’re considering to help you with BPD is how long have they worked with BPD clients for? What’s their understanding of BPD? How many years post training are they? And what different approaches do they use? Also, you want to be paying close attention to how your therapist is making you feel. Pay close attention intuitively and use your intuition to guide you to choosing the right therapist. This might take some time to realise whether that relationship is going to be a good match for you or not but don’t leave that therapeutic relationship without addressing some of the things you’re not satisfied with. Give your therapist an opportunity to stick up for them self and see how they deal with your emotions.
Currently, the most widely accepted forms for treatment for BPD are:
If you think you may be struggling with the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, please get in touch with the Private Therapy Clinic on Whatsapp message at: +447511116565 email, chat bot or book online to arrange an appointment.
NHS UK. (22nd August 2016). Borderline Personality Disorder. Retrieved on 19th July, 2019 from, Link
Bridges To Recovery. (22nd August 2016). Types ofBorderline Personality Disorder. Retrieved on 19th July, 2019 from, Link
The Recovery Village. (25nd March 2019). 11 Common Myths About Borderline Personality Disorder. Retrieved on 19th July, 2019 from, Link
Psychology Today. (22nd August 2013). UnderstandingBorderline Personality Disorder: Men and Women. Retrieved on 19th July, 2019 from Link
It can be very difficult to be in a romantic relationship with someone with a borderline personality disorder. For anyone...